Identity
I've been “straight” my entire life.
22 years it's been that I've clung to this identity, this knowing of who I am.
We're often so quick to judge people who create an identity around being gay, bisexual, pansexual, ANY of the LGBTQ categories. But isn't "straight" just as much of an identity? Isn't anything that starts with "I am" simply just getting in the way of us "being"?
I am angry.
I am gay.
I am straight.
I am sad.
I am happy.
I am hurt.
All of these things that we "are" that simply don't allow us to be anything else. These identities we create to describe who we "are" is exactly what gives us a panic attack when we don't have them anymore. If I "Am" happy, what happens when I'm not? Am I still me? Where have I gone?
I don't remember what age I was when I first started to feel this darkness within me; a void, a deep abyss filled with what appeared to me to be an expansive absence of love. I've spent 22 years feeling unloved. Does this mean my parents didn't love me? No. Did my parents undying love for me keep me from feeling this way? No.
Although my father tirelessly tried to express his love for me, in his own way, I struggled feeling unloved by him. Because this void had been created by a man, I felt the only way to fill it was with one. At a young age I found one way to fill the void; power. I got this power over men by having sex with them. I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with a woman, or any kind of relationship really, simply because they couldn't offer me what I was seeking, they couldn't fill the void that was left by a man.
To the men I used, manipulated, and hurt, to the men that loved me so openly and deeply and were met with nothing but anger and toxicity, to the men that loved me through it, despite my pain, Thank you. Thank you for teaching me, mirroring me, loving me, holding me, hating me, all of it. It is because of you that I am now me. I am sorry I hurt you. I love you. I see you.
Today, I am choosing to work through this darkness, with myself, with Source, with the entire universe behind my back. (Oh and a shit ton of awesome women!)
Today I am me and I am madly in love with a woman. How about you?
