A Letter from an Avoidant:

This is what an avoidant-attacher looks like (even maybe just internally ) 5 minutes before it presents to you as avoidant.

I just got off the phone with my partner who has been away for 2 weeks with an agreed upon 0 communication. As I expressed my excitement to be at his house waiting for him when he gets home on Friday, he expresses that he wants a night alone when he gets back, and would instead like to see me the next day.

Reasonable request right?

Wrong!!! My little kid screams, punching and kicking.

Fuck. The feelings and rage light like gasoline. They feel out of control and utterly unbearable. I try to disassociate, and even that feels out of reach. Nothing but my heart, wide open, feeling like he just sunk the knife in deep, right where he knew it would hurt, penetrating the depths of my tender, exposed soul.

And once again, without skipping a beat, my punishing sadist enters.

"You need a night alone? How about a month? Does that work for you? How about never hearing from me again? How about that? How about I drop off the face of the earth and make you question if I was ever even real? I will punish you and starve you of all connection with me. How dare you reject me. I can and will out wait you, always, and I am more than happy to prove it.”

I watch as my main character's first instinct says, go cheat on him, NOW. Punish him for not wanting you. Make him suffer, make him feel the pain you feel right now. Make him wish he never asked for what he wanted. Show him how much you don’t care.

Then in enters the dark sorcerer of avoidance, whispering those oh so sweet heroine-like nothings in my ear. More than punishing him, I want to punish myself for ever allowing myself to open my heart. How dare you feel love for him. How dare you feel excitement that he was coming home. How dare you feel joy at the thought of seeing him the moment he pulls in the driveway. How dare you allow yourself to be in a relationship again, you know where this leads; an unbearable agony that you are not capable of processing or regulating. Opening, caring, loving, will only make you suffer. This is all your fault. You are the one that opened yourself to this pain. You know better.

Single, Avoidant, and Independent is your true freedom. Do NOT show people how much you love them. They will leave.

I feel fucking Fury. Rage. Anger.

I have spent the past two weeks alone focusing on opening myself to him, fully, allowing my heart to be penetrated by the masculine, and to allow myself to show them the impact. The unbearable pain they are capable of bringing to me. To be able to look them in the eye, without making them wrong, and allow the tears to spill, allowing the unbearable heartache to show.

So here enters the universe, with the most tasty of lessons. Oh, you want to open your heart to him?

Can it remain open when he breaks it, when he hurts you, when he "rejects" you?

Stop. Stay. Breathe. Let it hurt. Let the pain in.

After spending two weeks apart, my little girl has come online, HARD. She is SO excited for "daddy" to come home. She wants to make the house spotless so he comes home to an organized house lined with presents, signs, and balloons. She wants to be waiting on the front steps as he pulls into the driveway. She wants to share her joy and unbearable excitement with him. She wants to show him how much he matters to her. But Daddy never shows up, or changes the time or day he's coming home, or worse, asks for space.

In the past, I have not been capable of being with these feelings, I was not able to see the little girl hiding behind the chunky, thick, impenetrable wall I had spent so many years building around her.
I was not able to keep myself in the awareness of my characters and personality, and instead, allowed it to consume me. The voices I heard were "my voice" not the voices of a character I had constructed.

So I punished.

I cheated, blocked their number, dropped off the earth, moved completely out while they were at work, (to name a few), all without a word. All of these things felt unbearably compulsive, it didn't feel as if I had a choice, just something I HAD to do. HAD to prove.

Asserting dominance and power was not an option, but a need.

I'll make sure you NEVER get the chance to hurt me again.

To the masculine, if you are reading this, from the depths of my heart, I am sorry. I am sorry for the times I/we have allowed our pain to override our love for you. I am sorry for allowing the compulsive nature of my wounds to penetrate you deeper than you ever could me. I am sorry for the times I/we have broken the beautiful, open, fearful, and gentle heart you have presented before us. I see you. I hear you. I love you.

Feminine, if you are reading this, and have been hurt by the masculine, I am sorry. I feel your pain, the deep wounding of your father, and the little girl inside you that so desperately wants to be seen. I love her. Her anger and rage is welcome here. When you open your heart, you open it to the possibility of devastating pain. When you close your heart, you close it from the penetrating depths of love. You cannot selectively numb emotions. You feel it all, or none at all.

"The heart breaks, until it breaks open." - Rumi

Men, I ask for your patience as I continue to unravel the contracted lotus that is my heart.

I love you.

I give you permission to break my heart,

AND I want to feel it,

Fully,

100%,

all the way,

Until we've walked each other home.

xoxo

...And to the love of my life in this exact cosmic moment in time, thank you, for all of you, for taking care of yourself, and most of all, thank you for your no. It triggers the living fuck out of me, lights me on fire, and gives me an opportunity to do this level of work.

Without a full, taken care of, aligned, YOU, there can be no full, taken care of, aligned US.

Thank you for being my greatest teacher.