My Sexuality

2 months ago I had a man tell me he felt disgusted by my sexuality.

That my expressions of arousal or turn on at life itself, was repulsive to him.

That he thinks I do not fit in polite society, and no respectable man would ever want a woman like me.

Not a scholar, not an intellectual, not anyone “successful”, (by his terms of course) ;) .

I have interacted with this man maybe a total of 3 times, all via zoom.

He doesn't like the way I sigh, take deep breaths, or audibly moan when I am enjoying a topic, conversation, or the flavors of who I am interacting with.

He finds it overtly sexual, and he finds sexuality, disgusting.

A week later one of my lovers expressed feeling occasional waves of disgust during intimacy with me.

Ouch.

Yikes.

My Ego, GOODBYE!

Woof. Yum. Burn.

Yes, these were both hard to hear.

Can you just take that in for a moment? Without having to tell me differently, without having to fix it or change it, without having to tell me that it’s not “true”?

Now, my logical and rational brain knew that what they were sharing was telling me something about THEM, not them telling me something about ME.

AND, it still felt like I was dying, like every one of my worst fears was being confirmed, that anytime I am me, and allow my full expression and “truth”, I will be rejected.

I breathed both of these shares in, fully, and let them destroy me.

Afterward, I was, (somehow), still there?

It felt like every piece of me was obliterated, but hearing it somehow did not kill me.

Something I had feared my entire life to hear, that I thought would eat me and everything I think I am alive if I ever had to bear hearing it, somehow didn’t kill me. HOW?!

Now I know it may be hard to believe but stick with me. The 1st man was attempting to share his perspective from a place of love, he REALLY wanted to help me! He wanted to teach me how to be different! How to be desirable to high-status men! Although it may have been coming through a highly distorted lens, he intended to help me and teach me how to be “better”. You may not agree with it, but can you try that on for a moment? Can you choose to see his love in it and still not accept what he said?

2nd man, the lover, was sharing from a place of wanting deeper connection, he was scared shitless when he shared it, and it was important to him that I knew the truth of his internal world, of what was going on for him in moments of intimacy with me. It was terrifying for him because he thought if he told me that I would leave, it was terrifying for me because I wanted to.

My path here on earth is and always has been so entangled with sexuality, I couldn’t get away from it if I wanted to, which luckily, I don’t. :)

Sexuality, being raised in a catholic/Protestant household, was not a word mentioned in our home. Nor sex, penis, vulva, vagina, etc. They were referred to as peepee or “privates”. My eyes were covered any time a kissing scene would play on the TV. I don’t recall ever seeing my parents kiss, merely pecks as they came and went from work. My first exposure to sexuality was in 6th grade when I saw two friends of mine making out on the school bus. I had just moved a few months prior, from attending a private Christian school in the city to a public school in rural northern California. They were, (what I now know to call), “making out”, (WITH TONGUE MIGHT I ADD!).

“WHAT ON EARTH ARE THEY DOING TO EACH OTHER’S FACES?!”, I thought to myself, but I of course didn't want anyone to know that I didn’t already know exactly what was going on, so I played it cool.

I was sheltered, to say the least.

Month after month, year after year, I played it cool. I didn’t ask questions. I didn't allow myself to get curious. I pretended I knew everything there was to know about sex, in fear of being humiliated if anyone knew I didn't.

I shuffled my way through high school figuring sex out as I went along, absolutely terrified to ever acknowledge it to my parents.

It’s taken a LONG time for me to come back to my sexuality in an empowered and embodied way. To acknowledge myself, and everyone else as sexual creatures. My dad. My mom. My brother. The store clerk. The overweight old homeless man. All equally as beautiful and gorgeous in their erotic nature.

And celebrate it, NOT be disgusted by it. (It’s all wiring and conditioning, all the way down!)

(AND, there's nothing wrong with being disgusted by it, but I assure you, it's a hell of a lot better when you aren’t!)

…and it will take a FUCK ton of work to untangle, unlearn, and rewire all of the conditionings you, your parents, and generations before you have been taught about sex.

And it is 100000% worth it.

If you feel called to reconnect with your gorgeous erotic sexual self, from an empowered, healthy, and healed way, message me.

If this post triggered the hell out of you and you think it's inappropriate or everything wrong with the world, message me.