The End Times

Today was a hard one. One of the hardest so far. I felt exhausted and watched myself beginning to slowly sink into feeling encapsulated by the overwhelming powerlessness I, and so many others, are feeling right now.

I wanted to ask for support, but who do you ask when everyone’s on the same sinking ship as you? I watched myself use an old trick by justifying not seeking support by telling myself, “everyone else is struggling too.”

I felt alone, trapped in “doing”, and a complete inability to be present with any of the moments of my day.

And then, I felt self judgment towards myself for all this. “I should know better than this, go meditate, do some breathwork, drop in, come on Michaela, don’t fall into the mind”

But, I just couldn’t, I didn’t want to, and it just didn’t feel like there was even a point.

I felt deeply depressed, for the first time in quite some time.

I like to think that my depression is gone, is cured, that I’ve done enough plant medicine, energy healings, and personal work to no longer feel sad and overwhelmed by this reality.

And the truth is, none of those things made my depression go away,

they taught me how to love it, how to coexist with it, rejoice in its teachings, and most of all, how to embrace my darkness as my beloved.

That, is what freed me from my “suffering”.

The divide and separation that I have witnessed, over both social media and in person, is devastating to me. I feel utter exhaustion and deep heart ache, at both my own internal conflict, tug of war, and “side choosing”, and the external expression of it.

The truth is none of us know what the fuck to do.

I have seen so much arguing, so much hierarchy, and oh so many opinions. Slandering others for being one way or another, publicly shaming those who aren’t isolating, (as if that will help?), and so on.

I observe myself falling right into yet another ego trap of thinking I’m better, more intelligent, or more caring for the world because I’m choosing to isolate and there are others who are not.

And in this judgment I forget how blessed I am, how truly lucky I am to have a job that is still paying me to have connection, physical intimacy, and human interaction.

Sure I’m “isolating” to the best of my ability, not seeing anyone I don’t “have” to see, but I still do get to see people, I still get to look people I care about in the eyes.

Most, don’t have that privilege.

So far, all of this hasn’t been that bad for me, my world hasn’t changed THAT much, I’ve felt quite relaxed and peaceful and in complete surrender to what is, knowing there is very little I can do about any of it.

Today, I felt the weight drop, right on top of my heart.

I just felt like giving up, I felt tired and confused, the unknown had me shaking in my boots, and I did not want to face it. I felt angry that I’m stuck wondering the next time I’ll get to see my friends, the next time I’ll get to stare into the eyes of my lovers (not over zoom), and watching how entitled I feel to all of this. How much I don’t want to give up my little wants for the sake of humanity. How much I want to justify having just one person over, (we’ll stay 6 ft apart I swear!).

The truth is I feel fucking scared, scared and tired and out of control, AND, I have no interest in any one trying to change that, or trying to take away the experience I’m having by fixing it. I want to be where the deep, soul-wrenching, paradigm-collapsing work is for me,

and right now,

it’s right here.

I just ask you to see me, witness me, and love me in it.

So, what’s going on for you?