This Is…

This is tired.

This is exhausted.

This is getting kicked out of a country that I called home.

This is having to let go of the things I held most dear.

This is having to let go of the people I held most dear.

This is being kicked out of the first house I called home after being kicked out of a country I called home.

This is being stripped of the next place after that.

This is having the carpet ripped out from under me over and over until I realized the carpet was never anything more that a concept I created in the first place.

This is being tense and not wanting to breathe into any of it.

This is breathing into it anyway.

This is being terrified to ask for help.

This is fear of being vulnerable.

This is having no choice but to be vulnerable and ask for help anyway.

This is having friends who catch you.

This is feeling so ashamed that you can barely say thank you.

This is having rich, juicy love, and then not having it.

This is not feeling welcome.

This is fear of not being able to carry yourself.

This is thinking I had a mission for life.

This is not getting the chance to finish it.

This is not knowing where to go.

This is having to sit with that, and not need to be anywhere other than that.

This is not wanting people to comment on this post and tell me everything is okay.

This is me wanting everyone to be okay with me not being okay.

This is wanting ME to be okay with not being okay.

This is not wanting my experience to be taken away from me because someone else fears not being able to hold it.

This is not wanting to be told that things get better, that I'm not all of these things listed above, or that I shouldn't feel this way, just because someone else is too uncomfortable to hear it.

This is loving being on my own, yet terrified of it all at the same time.

This is being grateful for my parents.

This is feeling vulnerable and ashamed that I have to ask them for help.

This is feeling scared of what not being able to do it on my own makes me.

This is wanting to do it all on my own and fearing that I'm not going to be able to.

This is wanting a direction and not feeling like I have one.

This is feeling loss of purpose.

This is feeling terrified to post this.

This is not wanting people to know that I need help, and that I can't in fact do it all on my own.

This is wanting people to think I am strong, brave, courageous, and can hold all of it.

This is not being able to.

This is thinking that holding all of this is what makes me those things.

This is realizing that nothing other than existing is what makes me those things.

This is for the first time in my life being everything I've always feared being.

This is being okay with it.

This is not wanting to put my feet down or trust that I will have a "home".

This is having every fear of mine that I have ever feared.

This is anger at myself for falling victim to the cycle so many of us are caught in.

This is feeling run by the man and forced into the life of a 9-5.

This is feeling too tired from work to do what I love.

This is feeling ashamed for judging those who feel victim to their experience.

This is shame for feeling victim to my experience.

This is needing rest and not wanting to trust that I can have it.

This is remembering that rest and ease are mine for the taking.

This is deciding to be where I am and nowhere else.

This is holding here, right now, because it is the only thing that's ever actually happening

This is not having any idea of what I want to do or where I want to go or how I want to restart my life.

This is not needing to move, until I do.

This is a reminder, that none of this is yours to hold.

This is thank you for those who choose to hold it anyway.